upside down & inside out

Life has been a bit crazy..  Some days more drama than I care to deal with.  The past two and a half years have had their fair share of ups and downs. My sweet baby girl has made it all worthwhile. She's my life.  I  couldn't have dreamt up a better kid,  even if I had tried.

 Recently,  someone has come into our lives. I wasn't looking for love when he walked in to my life. Man of my dreams? Maybe? I can say he has fallen into my life like he's supposed to be here.

 He loves me. Loves my daughter. We  jumped in head first. Sink or swim,  we're in this together. Forever?  Too soon to say.  We're not perfect &  that's ok.  He goes above &  beyond for my daughter &  myself.  He's absolutely my better half,  everything I'm not.

 He's doing his best to give BMad & me the life we've been living without for  the past year and a half.   He gives us more than we need or ask for.  He helps with baby duty &  housework.  He even cooks sometimes ;)

I'm super lucky. I wasn't expecting to be happy with someone.  After being abandoned &  made to believe I was the problem,  it's nice to have someone that sees all look the cracks &  still thinks you're not broken.

Adventures In Baby Sleep Training!

When you're an unwed-mother-to-be the doctors harp on you about SIDS.

For the exception of false labor twice, my pregnancy was pretty normal/easy as far as BMad (baby) was concerned.

After they released us from the hospital we had to go right back because of her bilirubin levels being so high.

After 16hrs of light therapy & a stay in the NICU, I was officially paranoid! I was afraid of her being far enough away I couldn't hear her if she quit breathing. BMad started sleeping with me.

Horrible awful idea! Lol

Due to circumstances beyond my control it continued until 3 days ago..

Day 1: She feel asleep with no fuss & slept through the night.

Day 2: Fussed a little. I picked her up & bounced her. We sang ABCs & Twinkle Twinkle. Put her back to bed & she was out all night. In fact she slept in!

Day 3: She played with her glowing turtle for a little bit, then fussed, tossed & turned, fussed more. So I changed her diaper & we sang again. Out cold!

There's absolutely no way this could be this easy?!

I have the best baby on the planet :D

BMad is also quite the talker:

She tries to help sing ABCs & Twinkle Twinkle..

She knows 1 2 3

Mama, cat, dog, kitty, that, this, I love you, got it, good girl, good job, off, sit down, Daisy (sitter's dog), Cindy, Sandi, Grace, Jack, Brodie, hey, hi, phone, bye..

(Although, it's hard to tell sometimes)

I'm so very lucky that I get to be her mommy :) <3 <3

And The Fight Continues..

From 9/10-11/15 my life was perfect.. All it took was one night at a bar & some pain killers.. Lack of give a fuck I guess. Just like that, without even blinking. He walked away from the girl he said made him reconsider marriage & his brand new baby. Threw both of us away.

It's been almost a year...

I'm still hurt.. I love my daughter. I wouldn't give her back. I just wish she was born into less of a mess. I gave him ways out before she was born.

He said forever..

No matter what.

He broke every promise he ever made..

It scares me to think of the damage he's going to inflict on my precious baby..

That's why I'm still hurt & angry

It's still about him to him & his family

Still about blaming me for his shortcomings & failures..

No one wants to take responsibility. It's easier to wash their hands of my daughter but abuse me.

Tell me I'm a bad mom & my daughter would be better off.

Here's a newsflash for the him & his family:

The people that are involved in our lives. The people that are here daily. The village that is helping me raise my daughter because your son in a failure. Every single one of them disagrees with you...

So, that means your argument is invalid.

If you people are not going to be positive influences in my daughter's life, then you have no business in her life.

If I have to drag him back into court from now until she's 18 to make sure she turns out nothing like you people, I will.

Until then why don't you start looking yourselves in the mirror before pointing your dirty fingers at me?

My Little Girl

I hit the jackpot with this kid.. She's such a good baby. She's happy & she's smart.

My life revolves around her. She makes the bad days go away..

I might not get the medal for world's greatest mom, but I'm doing the best I can for her.

She didn't pick her parents. She didn't ask to be born into the mess her father & I find ourselves in.. There's no reason she should suffer the consequences of a love affair gone wrong..

She's so sweet & loving. She's super silly. Smart as can be.. She also has no fear which makes mommy a nervous wreck :)

Our life isn't what I hoped it would be. That's ok. We're going to have a good life anyway. It's been a rough road & we're not out of the woods yet, but I have this amazing village of friends helping us.

I absolutely wouldn't have survived alone without some of the most amazing people I get to call friends..

:)

BMad

This time last year, Michael (sperm donor), my mom & myself headed to the hospital to have a baby.

I was calm.. I'm not sure I had come to terms with the fact that I was having a baby yet..

Funny how your entire life can change in a year..

I love you Brena Madelyn. With all my heart <3

I thank my lucky stars for you every day xo

Getting The Venom Out..

Venting... It's my way of exercising the poison. I've never been any good at hiding what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm an awful liar. I'm very much a "heart on my sleeve" kind of girl.

Sometimes, I feel broken..

I had someone tell me today any guy that leaves me is a "fool". Then why am I alone? How did I end up a single mom? If I'm so great, why does everyone leave?

I'm so used to being abandoned..

That's sad.

I have amazing friends & they do their best for BMad & me & I'm so grateful for them.

I have a beautiful, perfect, sweet little girl that I'd die for. I'm lucky to be her mommy.

I'm not happy with my living situation.. It's not my roommates. They're good. It's just a lack of my own space. I live in someone else's house. I have a room.. It's ok for now.

I'm unhappy with work. I feel like a hamster on a wheel.. all this work & no progress.. I'm broke & I'm tired.

I'm lonely.. I miss holding hands.. Kissing.. Cuddling. Intimacy..

I feel like I'm damaged goods now. That the only thing any guy is ever going to want me for is the occasional booty call..

I'm better than that.

I know that.

But I fight the demons from the exes. The ugly words. The screaming. The hitting. The cheating. The leaving. Constantly treading to keep my head above the water.

Why must every day be a fight?

I'm tired.

I don't want to fight anymore..

Glutton For Punishment

My ex (BMad's father) called me bawling yesterday. He's really ill & helpless & no one would come help him. So, I did. I brought him water & Gatorade. I spent like 4hrs cleaning his apt. As I emptied his trash in his bathroom, I came across condom wrappers.. I cried. Had a cigarette. finished the bathroom in tears.

I told him it hurt me..

He got upset at me for mentioning it..

...

:'(

I keep making someone a priority who has zero respect for my feelings.

Awesome.