Being Strong Sucks

My beautiful little girl is 6 months old. I'm almost 27. I'm a single mom. I never thought in a million years the father of my child would break my heart & abandon his daughter. He threw us out when she was six weeks old. Then he says "we left". Like somehow I was given a choice?

When she was about 8 weeks, I was struggling to care for her alone since he refused to help. A friend, also my ex, bought some diapers & my daughter's father decided that meant his daughter wasn't his & he wanted nothing to do with her & he wasn't about to help care for her.

We're in court limbo now because he's requesting a paternity test. He says it's my fault we have to go to court. He says this all could have been avoided if I had just kept things the way they were. By that he means we had a schedule worked out that he was spending time with his daughter while I was at work. Then he popped off one day & said he felt "more like a baby-sitter than her dad.", but he wants to keep things the way they were?

Now he doesn't want to go to court, says he'll buy everything she needs.. Tried that too.. As soon as he was mad at me he stopped helping with the things she needed. This man flip flops like you wouldn't believe. One minute our daughter is his & he loves & misses her. The next he's not so sure. Five minutes after that she isn't his she's my exes.

I happen to think this accusation is hysterical considering i was 4 months pregnant before I was around my ex alone. Or maybe the fact that this child looks JUST like her father & nothing like the ex he's claiming she belongs to. Contrary to what he believes, I'm not quite the slut he makes me out to be.

When asked why he refuses to help care for his daughter, his response usually goes something like this: "It's because your ex was around. I don't trust you.", "It's because your ex bought her diapers." "It's because your ex..blah blah blah.." I have never met ANYONE in my life that takes less responsibility for his actions than the father of my child.

He never lets go or drops anything, but he says I "hold grudges", He screams obscenities at me while I'm holding our daughter, but tells me I'm not allowed to raise my voice around our daughter, & he calls me vindictive, but called the cops the last time he saw his daughter because he didn't like the fact that my ex & I were talking on a regular basis. He called 911 & said I was trespassing. Only after he threatened to kidnap our daughter & allowed his mother's roommate (who is probably 5'9" & close to 300 lbs) get in my face & verbally accost me. I (5'1'' & 120lbs) apparently was not allowed to stand up for myself. I was "crazy" for defending myself.

I have tried my best to be civil with him, but he allows his controlling mother, her roommate, & his meddling fatehr make his descisions for him. I asked him what he was going to do when his parents were gone & he had his daughter to answer to? He told me I was cold hearted for telling him his parents were going to die soon... not what I said, but... I told him the reality was our parents weren;t going to live forever, but he has a beautiful little girl that he's missing out on becuase he's allowing everyone else to decide his life for him. I told him he's almost 36.. the clock is ticking.. I'm almost 27 & I honestly don't see having anymore children & unless he knocks some other poor unsuspecting girl up, I don't forsee him having anymore children either.

I want him in her life, but not at the level of crazy that's going on in his family... I don't want her emotionally damaged. He doesn't think for himslef & it makes me batty. Because when he's being him & he's not letting everyone else muck up his life. He's great.

Before we started having problems, again, he was a great dad. Then he stated taking it out on our little girl. He would be mad at me & he wouldn't look at her or talk to her or touch her. I've tried repeatidly since Jan to get him to spend time with his baby. He's all for it & then a few hours later, I'm assuming after his mother talks him out of it, he falls off the face of the earth or changes his mind.

I'm so beyond over the drama. I'm so sad for my little girl. She deserves better from her father. I'm leaving everything in the court's hands. I'm tired of trying to make peace with this man..

Long Time No Post..

Well, I am now a single mom to a beautiful, perfect, super smart, & very sweet little girl. My mom nicknamed her B-Mad since she was born 4 days early & was none too happy about it.

She's almost 5 months now about 15.5lbs & a little over 24 inches. Happy & healthy.

Someday, I'll explain what went down between her father & I but as of now he's claiming she isn't his & we have a court date pending.. (oh what fun!)

I'm a few weeks from being a groomer. Hopefully, in the next couple months I'll be out of my friend's house, & into my own place.

Pregnancy Drama

So, In my quest to make life easier I have been shot down & overridden way too many times & it's kind of wearing on my nerves. I said no to a crib because we don't have enough space... We now have a crib. Now, I'm being told no to cloth diapering because "It's too much work & it's gross" Really?! Because I'm not going to be doing the majority of the diapering or anything.. I'm trying to figure out why EVERYONE ELSE seems to have a say in what I'm doing with my kid but me. I feel forced into doing things & honestly it's just pissing me off..

Paranormal

For those of you that believe in a god, you probably don't believe in ghosts, demons, or anything that falls into the paranormal category.

I don't believe in things I can't see or feel (feel in the sense of a presence)..

Call me crazy, but I've seen & experienced somethings in my lifetime I've tried to explain away, but could not..

About 6 months ago when I started staying the night at bd's I noticed this odd feeling of being watched/stared at.. Again, new place, creepy feelings, I dismissed them.. It wasn't until a picture (1 of like 8 taken in the same place in a matter of a min or 2) had an arm with a hand holding something in it that i realized the creepy feeling wasn't unwarranted..

For a while you would get this feeling like someone was in the bathroom while you were showering. Now, it's escalated to seeing someone's head peek around the shower curtain, but when you look, no one's in the bathroom..

Today, while bending over to plug something in, I see something/someone (it was like a shadow -but darker- had popped off the wall & was watching me) standing in the doorway of the bedroom. I turned around long enough to see it bolt into the living room.. Walked into the living room: nothing/no one..

Call me crazy if you'd like but this is not my first run in with something like this. It happened when i was like 5 or 6. I spent my life thinking it was a nightmare or my imagination until high school sitting in the AM station at the radio station my then b/f was working at listening to Coast to Coast AM that I realized, I am not alone.. They refer to these things as Shadow People.

I know, it sounds like a bad horror movie..

I believe, even if you don't..

It's a Girl!

New due date is Oct 6. I still think she'll be here end of Sept.

Named her Brena Madelyn

I'm not a girly girl.. at all.. lol

I have a sneaking suspicion she's going to be obsessed with pink & glitter

oy vey :)~

Life As I Know It

The last 8 months of my life have been pretty crazy... Prior to getting pregnant I was drunk 3 nights a week, fighting with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, smoking a pack of cigarettes every day or 2.

After 2 1/2 years with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the man I wanted a future, a home, & babies with, our relationship ended due to unhealthy circumstances for both of us. He had quite the temper when he'd been drinking & I did too. I have a tendency to be mean & nasty in the things I say when I feel I've been hurt or wronged. I compulsively will say things & then regret saying them moments later.. It's much worse when I've been drinking. He & I hurt each other, badly. Physically & emotionally. I don't think either one of us are bad people. I don't think it was ever our intention to hurt each other like we did. It just happened that way.

Shortly after that break up I met the soon-to-be father of my child. I fell for pretty words & promises. He was everything I ever wanted or could've asked for until 2 things happened. He asked if I still loved my ex.. The answer was yes.. That was our first fight.. A few weeks later we found out the impossible had happened: I was pregnant.. I'm not sure he ever forgave me for telling him the truth about how I felt about my ex. Really didn't see the point in lying about it. I feel like after the pregnancy announcement happened he kept throwing it in my face "You weren't supposed to be able to get pregnant". Like somehow I was lying to him. I just repeated what my Dr told me after the botched abortion that messed my insides up.. The dreams came crashing down shortly after. All of a sudden there was name calling, accusations, screaming, & constant fighting. I ran away.. I grew up around that crap & I'll be damned if I subject my child to it..

I cannot explain to you the emotions I went through after the test said positive. I sat on the floor of the bathroom & cried for 10 minutes before I called my best friend. Then I broke the news to bf. The very last person I told was my ex.. I couldn't even call him, I sent him a text. He called & cried having to tell him I was having someone else's baby.. I heard his heart break. I heard him lie through his teeth & say he was happy for us. He drank himself stupid that night. I hated myself for being knocked-up.

All I could think for a long time was, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this." After fighting with myself & with the father of this child I decided to keep the baby. I'm still not 100% sure that was the best idea.. But there's no going back now.

From week to week I don't know when the next stupid screaming match is going to happen with the baby's father.. I don't know how he feels about me & some days, I don't know how I feel about him. This all happened so fast..

I guess on the bright side, I have amazing friends & this amazing support system. I have some of the most wonderful people I get to call my friends that have come to my rescue on so many occasions. I'd be lost without them & I'm thankful for them everyday.

Saturday marks 20 weeks (Officially 5 months) 1/2 way there..

I find out this Thursday what I'm having & of any potential issues that may have come up..

Wish me luck!

Oh & I picked a girl's name (even though I think it's a boy). I'm just having a hard time deciding on a boy name :p

If it's a girl: Brena Madelyn

I'll keep you posted on the boy name :)

Theme song of the day...

soul asylum- runaway train

call you up in the middle of the night

like a firefly without a light

you were there like a slow torch burning

i was a key that could use a little turning

so tired that i couldn't even sleep

so many secrets i couldn't keep

promised myself i wouldn't weep

just another promise i couldn't keep

it seems no one can help me now

i'm in too deep

there's no way out

i have really led myself astray

runaway train

never going back

wrong way on a one way track

seems like i should be getting somewhere

somehow i'm neither here nor there

can you help me remember how to smile?

somehow make it all seem worthwhile?

how on earth did i get so jaded

life's mysteries seem so faded..

bought a ticket for a runaway train

like a madman laughing at the rain

a little out of touch

a little insane

just easier than dealing with the pain..