I'm a mess

Maybe it's a little too personal to spill your guts on the internet for the world to read,, but oh well.. I see it this way if you don't like what i have to say, I'm boring, or you think I'm crazy there are a million bloggers out there to read I'm sure you'll find one you like even if it isn't me :)

So...

I'm 25, I work for minimum wage, & I always thought I'd be further along in my life by now than I am. If you had asked me 10 years ago. I would have told you married, a kid, & teaching Kindergarten somewhere living in some cute little planned community or something.

Instead it's been giving everything I have to some dumb boy I fall in love with from the ones that abandon me, the ones that lie, the cheaters, the users, the abusers, & the ones that could never make up their minds. I think I put more energy into what they wanted & what I thought they wanted from me, that I got lost in the mix somewhere.

I suppose here in the last few days it seems to be sinking in, I've wasted so much time.

I think my bi-polar is acting up again ;)~

I had a path I was supposed to go down, but I guess life doesn't care about your plans does it? I am now watching all my friends get married & have babies & it makes me a little sad & jealous. I want that someday. I just don't know if that person has come along, or if he'll ever come along. I've been with the same person for over 2 years.. Shouldn't I know by now? Should he? I keep thinking, "You're going to be 26, the clock is ticking.."

My last ex boyfriend got married about 6 months ago, they have a baby on the way... they're in their mid-30's.. so maybe there's still hope for me someday right?

I guess I'm just so scared of ending up like my mom too.. By the time you're in your 50's you resent everyone & you push your kids away & you're angry & it's everyone else's fault.

I really just wanted more for myself than what I settled for & I guess that's my own fault. I should've walked away & let those boys figure it out on their own instead of believing I could love away their problems..

In the end I'll make it :) I always do..

Holier-Than-Thou

    I don't get super upset over a lot of things, but this is one of those things.. The useless wastes of space that stand on the street in front of women's clinics & yell at people going in. They have their signs & their pictures & their "God loves your baby" crap. I hate you people.
    Do you know why that woman walking into that clinic? Was she raped? Do you care? As long as she carries that baby for 9 months & gives it up? And for what? For that kid to be bounced from one foster home to another? So it can more than likely be neglected, abused, raped? So that when it turns 18 it can be thrown out into the world to fend for itself?
    Did it occur to you that there's a defect with the baby? Oh.. You want this child -if it lives after birth- to live the rest of it's life unable to care for itself? Bedridden? Unable to talk or walk? Because it's "God's will" really? What happened to the loving/forgiving God? Seems a little funny how you bible thumpers twist your religion to fit whatever horrid thing you're doing today.
     Why don't you spend your time doing something productive? Educate young girls, donate to help research birth defects, volunteer, & for the love of God STFU! Standing around screaming at someone isn't going to stop them from ending a pregnancy be it out of necessity or choice. I believe every woman has a right to choose whether or not she keeps a child. While I do not believe it is a form of birth control by any means. It's an ugly, nasty procedure & I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, nonetheless, it's her decision. These people should be ashamed of themselves for torturing someone who is going to be haunted by that decision for the rest of their lives.


Anyway, I stumbled across this blog & video. Kudos to the guy that did this.

http://tinyurl.com/2g73gx9






    

Why Does Love Make You Fat?

So 2 1/2 years ago when I met Brodie I weighed 115 (ish) I've never been a super skinny girl. I've always had boobs & a butt. I don't eat super great but I definitely don't eat badly. I hate fried everything (except pickles & jalapenos but those are a like twice a year thing), I don't eat fast food very often, & when I do go out to eat I try to make good decisions. I don't over eat. I do have 2 major problems... Alcohol & soda. I drink Vodka & cranberry "juice" & that's about it. I limit myself to one soda a day otherwise, it's water. I really should workout more often & after I write this blog I'm going to ;) But how the hell did I get all the way up to 130lbs?!?! I'm very unhappy w/ my body & I'm trying to motivate myself, but when you work your butt off & see no results it's hard to stay that way. There's so many conflicting reports about what to eat & not eat. What exercises to do to lose fat. "Melt away the fat!" "Lose 10 pounds in a week!" ugh I really think dancing's the only thing that kept me thin. Working out for an hour a day 3-5 times a week isn't producing any results. It's not like I have a desk job. Soooooooo very frustrating. I'm hoping to be back to 115 by Jan!