Pregnancy Drama

So, In my quest to make life easier I have been shot down & overridden way too many times & it's kind of wearing on my nerves. I said no to a crib because we don't have enough space... We now have a crib. Now, I'm being told no to cloth diapering because "It's too much work & it's gross" Really?! Because I'm not going to be doing the majority of the diapering or anything.. I'm trying to figure out why EVERYONE ELSE seems to have a say in what I'm doing with my kid but me. I feel forced into doing things & honestly it's just pissing me off..

It's a Girl!

New due date is Oct 6. I still think she'll be here end of Sept.

Named her Brena Madelyn

I'm not a girly girl.. at all.. lol

I have a sneaking suspicion she's going to be obsessed with pink & glitter

oy vey :)~

Life As I Know It

The last 8 months of my life have been pretty crazy... Prior to getting pregnant I was drunk 3 nights a week, fighting with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, smoking a pack of cigarettes every day or 2.

After 2 1/2 years with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the man I wanted a future, a home, & babies with, our relationship ended due to unhealthy circumstances for both of us. He had quite the temper when he'd been drinking & I did too. I have a tendency to be mean & nasty in the things I say when I feel I've been hurt or wronged. I compulsively will say things & then regret saying them moments later.. It's much worse when I've been drinking. He & I hurt each other, badly. Physically & emotionally. I don't think either one of us are bad people. I don't think it was ever our intention to hurt each other like we did. It just happened that way.

Shortly after that break up I met the soon-to-be father of my child. I fell for pretty words & promises. He was everything I ever wanted or could've asked for until 2 things happened. He asked if I still loved my ex.. The answer was yes.. That was our first fight.. A few weeks later we found out the impossible had happened: I was pregnant.. I'm not sure he ever forgave me for telling him the truth about how I felt about my ex. Really didn't see the point in lying about it. I feel like after the pregnancy announcement happened he kept throwing it in my face "You weren't supposed to be able to get pregnant". Like somehow I was lying to him. I just repeated what my Dr told me after the botched abortion that messed my insides up.. The dreams came crashing down shortly after. All of a sudden there was name calling, accusations, screaming, & constant fighting. I ran away.. I grew up around that crap & I'll be damned if I subject my child to it..

I cannot explain to you the emotions I went through after the test said positive. I sat on the floor of the bathroom & cried for 10 minutes before I called my best friend. Then I broke the news to bf. The very last person I told was my ex.. I couldn't even call him, I sent him a text. He called & cried having to tell him I was having someone else's baby.. I heard his heart break. I heard him lie through his teeth & say he was happy for us. He drank himself stupid that night. I hated myself for being knocked-up.

All I could think for a long time was, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this." After fighting with myself & with the father of this child I decided to keep the baby. I'm still not 100% sure that was the best idea.. But there's no going back now.

From week to week I don't know when the next stupid screaming match is going to happen with the baby's father.. I don't know how he feels about me & some days, I don't know how I feel about him. This all happened so fast..

I guess on the bright side, I have amazing friends & this amazing support system. I have some of the most wonderful people I get to call my friends that have come to my rescue on so many occasions. I'd be lost without them & I'm thankful for them everyday.

Saturday marks 20 weeks (Officially 5 months) 1/2 way there..

I find out this Thursday what I'm having & of any potential issues that may have come up..

Wish me luck!

Oh & I picked a girl's name (even though I think it's a boy). I'm just having a hard time deciding on a boy name :p

If it's a girl: Brena Madelyn

I'll keep you posted on the boy name :)

Theme song of the day...

soul asylum- runaway train

call you up in the middle of the night

like a firefly without a light

you were there like a slow torch burning

i was a key that could use a little turning

so tired that i couldn't even sleep

so many secrets i couldn't keep

promised myself i wouldn't weep

just another promise i couldn't keep

it seems no one can help me now

i'm in too deep

there's no way out

i have really led myself astray

runaway train

never going back

wrong way on a one way track

seems like i should be getting somewhere

somehow i'm neither here nor there

can you help me remember how to smile?

somehow make it all seem worthwhile?

how on earth did i get so jaded

life's mysteries seem so faded..

bought a ticket for a runaway train

like a madman laughing at the rain

a little out of touch

a little insane

just easier than dealing with the pain..

So, I Don't Believe in God..

I'm aware that this is a touchy subject for a lot of people & that's ok. Last time I checked this was free country & I'm allowed to believe what I want.

I think it's funny when people try to convince you why there's a god & it usually starts with: "The bible says.." If I don't believe in god, what exactly makes you think I believe anything written in the bible?

While there are some very nice things written in the bible I see it much like I see Aesop's fables all of the stories have a moral & that's ok. Do I think many of them happened? I doubt it. 1st off, how old exactly is this book? 2nd How many times & how many languages has it been translated out of? Anyone that speaks a second language knows there is no exact translation to English. Lost in translation much?

We used to play this game in our theater class in high school. Our teacher used to line the class up, about 20 or so of us, he would tell the 1st person in line a secret (an easy sentence), then that person would whisper it to the next & so on & so forth...

By the time the sentence made it to the end of the line it was not the same, at all.. How many times do you suppose that book has been rewritten & re-translated over the centuries? How can you expect me to believe it's the same book god had man write. Your god is perfect, but man is not & yet he entrusts them to write this book... hmm..

How many chapters have been added as well? Why are people that talk to god normal, but people who believe in UFOs & ghosts are nuts? As Carlin would say, "There's no invisible man in the sky that grants wishes".

More people have died in the name of god than anything else in history. The bible is super contradictory & the bible-thumpers can quote what they choose to out of the bible. I call it selective reading. You read what you think is good & ok & you forget everything else..

This guy did all the leg work for my, I'm not reading that entire book :p http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/jim_meritt/bible-contradictions.html

I'm not going to apologize for not believing in god & I don't know what to tell those of you that do believe other than it's your right to believe what you want & it's my right to believe what I want.

You will judge me because that's what believers do.. I don't care what you think or what you believe, it makes no difference to me..

I believe we owe it to each other to be kind, compassionate, civil, & to coexist in this world together w/o murdering each other for our differences..

Preggo

Ok, so I've been pretty scarce lately.. Let's just say there's a lot of crap going on..

There was a nasty break-up with the bf I spent 2 1/2 years with. Then I moved on, probably much faster than I should have, to a guy I'd been friends with for a while. I never saw that coming. I fell in love with him.. He was just about perfect... Then, we got pregnant & talk about a change I never saw coming. He wasn't my prince charming anymore..

To say the least there's been a lot of fighting. I moved in, moved out, moved in, moved out. I've been living w/ a friend for a little over a week now. We're trying to work out all of our issues before this kid gets here.

Some days, I feel like this pregnancy ruined him & I. Maybe, we just weren't that great to begin with. It could just be all the stress from a pregnancy that really wasn't supposed to happen. He's a really great guy & I'm sure he'll be a great dad. I just don't know so much about him & I. We're trying & I guess that's all you can do..

That being said, we're 12 weeks

The Impossible

Where do I start? I'm such a jumbled mess right now, there's no tellin'..


About six days ago I found out my bf & I are expecting. (I know! I know! It's REALLY soon). Thing is, I spent the last 10 years under the impression I couldn't get pregnant. That's what the Dr said. Maybe he lied? lol Anyway I got preggo when I was 16, had a botched abortion that ended up leaving scar tissue partially blocking my tubes. I was told it would be minorly invasive to have it corrected. So, like an idiot, I went about my life believing I was untouchable... 10 years & 4 serious bfs, it's serious bf #5 that knocks me up...

Everything happens for a reason, right?

I don't think I've ever been so terrified in my life... I have a billion questions. I guess my saving grace is Mike (bf #5) is such an amazing guy. Even if we don't end up together forever, I think my kid is in good hands.

I'm really trying to not get too ahead of myself with this but I'm a jumble of emotions among other things & it's hard to not jump 3 steps ahead of yourself sometimes.

At this point, I am roughly 8 1/2 weeks along & due Sept 24 2011

I don't care if it's a boy or girl. It makes no difference to me.

More updates to come when I have them :)

So Sick of the Drama

On a side note before I start my bitch fest: Dear Blogger, Your mobile posting sucks & the fact that w/ a completely capable internet phone I cannot write blogs via my browser... WTF? Ah!


So...

I work for a giant corporation that shall remain nameless since they probably have some snot nosed kid scouring the internet for anything that could be portrayed as putting the company in a "negative light" (Seriously, fuck off lol).

I work in a very small space w/ four other people. Three of which are women...

To say the least, there's a lot of drama.

Three of the five of us try to avoid the drama, but employees 4 & 5 insist on dragging us all back into it. WHY? Oh.. That's easy, they're miserable people with no lives. They both make up lies & stories & they want people to feel bad for them all the time..

Well, let me let you in on a little secret: I kinda do feel bad for you.. It's a little sad that grown women insist on behaving like 15 year olds because they have no lives. That they're so unhappy with themselves & their lives they feel the need to drag everyone else down. Good luck with that :)~

I'm just counting the days until I don't have to deal with it anymore. I'm on to bigger & better things :)