New due date is Oct 6. I still think she'll be here end of Sept.
Named her Brena Madelyn
I'm not a girly girl.. at all.. lol
I have a sneaking suspicion she's going to be obsessed with pink & glitter
oy vey :)~
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Life As I Know It
The last 8 months of my life have been pretty crazy... Prior to getting pregnant I was drunk 3 nights a week, fighting with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, smoking a pack of cigarettes every day or 2.
After 2 1/2 years with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the man I wanted a future, a home, & babies with, our relationship ended due to unhealthy circumstances for both of us. He had quite the temper when he'd been drinking & I did too. I have a tendency to be mean & nasty in the things I say when I feel I've been hurt or wronged. I compulsively will say things & then regret saying them moments later.. It's much worse when I've been drinking. He & I hurt each other, badly. Physically & emotionally. I don't think either one of us are bad people. I don't think it was ever our intention to hurt each other like we did. It just happened that way.
Shortly after that break up I met the soon-to-be father of my child. I fell for pretty words & promises. He was everything I ever wanted or could've asked for until 2 things happened. He asked if I still loved my ex.. The answer was yes.. That was our first fight.. A few weeks later we found out the impossible had happened: I was pregnant.. I'm not sure he ever forgave me for telling him the truth about how I felt about my ex. Really didn't see the point in lying about it. I feel like after the pregnancy announcement happened he kept throwing it in my face "You weren't supposed to be able to get pregnant". Like somehow I was lying to him. I just repeated what my Dr told me after the botched abortion that messed my insides up.. The dreams came crashing down shortly after. All of a sudden there was name calling, accusations, screaming, & constant fighting. I ran away.. I grew up around that crap & I'll be damned if I subject my child to it..
I cannot explain to you the emotions I went through after the test said positive. I sat on the floor of the bathroom & cried for 10 minutes before I called my best friend. Then I broke the news to bf. The very last person I told was my ex.. I couldn't even call him, I sent him a text. He called & cried having to tell him I was having someone else's baby.. I heard his heart break. I heard him lie through his teeth & say he was happy for us. He drank himself stupid that night. I hated myself for being knocked-up.
All I could think for a long time was, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this." After fighting with myself & with the father of this child I decided to keep the baby. I'm still not 100% sure that was the best idea.. But there's no going back now.
From week to week I don't know when the next stupid screaming match is going to happen with the baby's father.. I don't know how he feels about me & some days, I don't know how I feel about him. This all happened so fast..
I guess on the bright side, I have amazing friends & this amazing support system. I have some of the most wonderful people I get to call my friends that have come to my rescue on so many occasions. I'd be lost without them & I'm thankful for them everyday.
Saturday marks 20 weeks (Officially 5 months) 1/2 way there..
I find out this Thursday what I'm having & of any potential issues that may have come up..
Wish me luck!
Oh & I picked a girl's name (even though I think it's a boy). I'm just having a hard time deciding on a boy name :p
If it's a girl: Brena Madelyn
I'll keep you posted on the boy name :)
After 2 1/2 years with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the man I wanted a future, a home, & babies with, our relationship ended due to unhealthy circumstances for both of us. He had quite the temper when he'd been drinking & I did too. I have a tendency to be mean & nasty in the things I say when I feel I've been hurt or wronged. I compulsively will say things & then regret saying them moments later.. It's much worse when I've been drinking. He & I hurt each other, badly. Physically & emotionally. I don't think either one of us are bad people. I don't think it was ever our intention to hurt each other like we did. It just happened that way.
Shortly after that break up I met the soon-to-be father of my child. I fell for pretty words & promises. He was everything I ever wanted or could've asked for until 2 things happened. He asked if I still loved my ex.. The answer was yes.. That was our first fight.. A few weeks later we found out the impossible had happened: I was pregnant.. I'm not sure he ever forgave me for telling him the truth about how I felt about my ex. Really didn't see the point in lying about it. I feel like after the pregnancy announcement happened he kept throwing it in my face "You weren't supposed to be able to get pregnant". Like somehow I was lying to him. I just repeated what my Dr told me after the botched abortion that messed my insides up.. The dreams came crashing down shortly after. All of a sudden there was name calling, accusations, screaming, & constant fighting. I ran away.. I grew up around that crap & I'll be damned if I subject my child to it..
I cannot explain to you the emotions I went through after the test said positive. I sat on the floor of the bathroom & cried for 10 minutes before I called my best friend. Then I broke the news to bf. The very last person I told was my ex.. I couldn't even call him, I sent him a text. He called & cried having to tell him I was having someone else's baby.. I heard his heart break. I heard him lie through his teeth & say he was happy for us. He drank himself stupid that night. I hated myself for being knocked-up.
All I could think for a long time was, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this." After fighting with myself & with the father of this child I decided to keep the baby. I'm still not 100% sure that was the best idea.. But there's no going back now.
From week to week I don't know when the next stupid screaming match is going to happen with the baby's father.. I don't know how he feels about me & some days, I don't know how I feel about him. This all happened so fast..
I guess on the bright side, I have amazing friends & this amazing support system. I have some of the most wonderful people I get to call my friends that have come to my rescue on so many occasions. I'd be lost without them & I'm thankful for them everyday.
Saturday marks 20 weeks (Officially 5 months) 1/2 way there..
I find out this Thursday what I'm having & of any potential issues that may have come up..
Wish me luck!
Oh & I picked a girl's name (even though I think it's a boy). I'm just having a hard time deciding on a boy name :p
If it's a girl: Brena Madelyn
I'll keep you posted on the boy name :)
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