Adventures In Baby Sleep Training!

When you're an unwed-mother-to-be the doctors harp on you about SIDS.

For the exception of false labor twice, my pregnancy was pretty normal/easy as far as BMad (baby) was concerned.

After they released us from the hospital we had to go right back because of her bilirubin levels being so high.

After 16hrs of light therapy & a stay in the NICU, I was officially paranoid! I was afraid of her being far enough away I couldn't hear her if she quit breathing. BMad started sleeping with me.

Horrible awful idea! Lol

Due to circumstances beyond my control it continued until 3 days ago..

Day 1: She feel asleep with no fuss & slept through the night.

Day 2: Fussed a little. I picked her up & bounced her. We sang ABCs & Twinkle Twinkle. Put her back to bed & she was out all night. In fact she slept in!

Day 3: She played with her glowing turtle for a little bit, then fussed, tossed & turned, fussed more. So I changed her diaper & we sang again. Out cold!

There's absolutely no way this could be this easy?!

I have the best baby on the planet :D

BMad is also quite the talker:

She tries to help sing ABCs & Twinkle Twinkle..

She knows 1 2 3

Mama, cat, dog, kitty, that, this, I love you, got it, good girl, good job, off, sit down, Daisy (sitter's dog), Cindy, Sandi, Grace, Jack, Brodie, hey, hi, phone, bye..

(Although, it's hard to tell sometimes)

I'm so very lucky that I get to be her mommy :) <3 <3

And The Fight Continues..

From 9/10-11/15 my life was perfect.. All it took was one night at a bar & some pain killers.. Lack of give a fuck I guess. Just like that, without even blinking. He walked away from the girl he said made him reconsider marriage & his brand new baby. Threw both of us away.

It's been almost a year...

I'm still hurt.. I love my daughter. I wouldn't give her back. I just wish she was born into less of a mess. I gave him ways out before she was born.

He said forever..

No matter what.

He broke every promise he ever made..

It scares me to think of the damage he's going to inflict on my precious baby..

That's why I'm still hurt & angry

It's still about him to him & his family

Still about blaming me for his shortcomings & failures..

No one wants to take responsibility. It's easier to wash their hands of my daughter but abuse me.

Tell me I'm a bad mom & my daughter would be better off.

Here's a newsflash for the him & his family:

The people that are involved in our lives. The people that are here daily. The village that is helping me raise my daughter because your son in a failure. Every single one of them disagrees with you...

So, that means your argument is invalid.

If you people are not going to be positive influences in my daughter's life, then you have no business in her life.

If I have to drag him back into court from now until she's 18 to make sure she turns out nothing like you people, I will.

Until then why don't you start looking yourselves in the mirror before pointing your dirty fingers at me?

My Little Girl

I hit the jackpot with this kid.. She's such a good baby. She's happy & she's smart.

My life revolves around her. She makes the bad days go away..

I might not get the medal for world's greatest mom, but I'm doing the best I can for her.

She didn't pick her parents. She didn't ask to be born into the mess her father & I find ourselves in.. There's no reason she should suffer the consequences of a love affair gone wrong..

She's so sweet & loving. She's super silly. Smart as can be.. She also has no fear which makes mommy a nervous wreck :)

Our life isn't what I hoped it would be. That's ok. We're going to have a good life anyway. It's been a rough road & we're not out of the woods yet, but I have this amazing village of friends helping us.

I absolutely wouldn't have survived alone without some of the most amazing people I get to call friends..

:)

BMad

This time last year, Michael (sperm donor), my mom & myself headed to the hospital to have a baby.

I was calm.. I'm not sure I had come to terms with the fact that I was having a baby yet..

Funny how your entire life can change in a year..

I love you Brena Madelyn. With all my heart <3

I thank my lucky stars for you every day xo

Getting The Venom Out..

Venting... It's my way of exercising the poison. I've never been any good at hiding what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm an awful liar. I'm very much a "heart on my sleeve" kind of girl.

Sometimes, I feel broken..

I had someone tell me today any guy that leaves me is a "fool". Then why am I alone? How did I end up a single mom? If I'm so great, why does everyone leave?

I'm so used to being abandoned..

That's sad.

I have amazing friends & they do their best for BMad & me & I'm so grateful for them.

I have a beautiful, perfect, sweet little girl that I'd die for. I'm lucky to be her mommy.

I'm not happy with my living situation.. It's not my roommates. They're good. It's just a lack of my own space. I live in someone else's house. I have a room.. It's ok for now.

I'm unhappy with work. I feel like a hamster on a wheel.. all this work & no progress.. I'm broke & I'm tired.

I'm lonely.. I miss holding hands.. Kissing.. Cuddling. Intimacy..

I feel like I'm damaged goods now. That the only thing any guy is ever going to want me for is the occasional booty call..

I'm better than that.

I know that.

But I fight the demons from the exes. The ugly words. The screaming. The hitting. The cheating. The leaving. Constantly treading to keep my head above the water.

Why must every day be a fight?

I'm tired.

I don't want to fight anymore..

Glutton For Punishment

My ex (BMad's father) called me bawling yesterday. He's really ill & helpless & no one would come help him. So, I did. I brought him water & Gatorade. I spent like 4hrs cleaning his apt. As I emptied his trash in his bathroom, I came across condom wrappers.. I cried. Had a cigarette. finished the bathroom in tears.

I told him it hurt me..

He got upset at me for mentioning it..

...

:'(

I keep making someone a priority who has zero respect for my feelings.

Awesome.

Oh.. Hello Blog

I forget about this thing.. I should use it more often. Less drama on FB I suppose? Although, I'm never really on FB anymore..

Life update: My best friend has been letting us mooch off of him for far too long (poor guy).

I've been trying to move out for 2 months & I've been flaked on twice. Ugh.

We've visited with a new potential roommate & their daughter twice, just waiting on their decision..

Work is painfully slow. I'm super broke. My babysitter is a flake too. Bah!

Sometimes, I wish sperm donor would stop being so hard headed & at least attempt to work our shit out..

No one's perfect. I just feel like we owe it to our daughter to try..

However, he would rather we live with strangers. Guess I should just jump off of the boat? Oh well..

I'm really regretting giving up cigarettes :p

Wrecked

Sometimes, I don't know up from down.. I'm so twisted up inside I can't think straight. I'm happy, mostly.. My career is taking off, I know who I am, what I want out of life, & my daughter's father has decided to step up & be part of her life.. On the down side.. I'm incredibly lonely. I love my kid & I love being around her, but sometimes I need adult time. I mean, I have friends &.coworkers & they're great, but I need to be held. Kissed. Loved.. I'm not good by myself. I never have been. I'm not desperate or anything,. Just nice to be wanted sometimes..

Situation Update

My daughter's father had decided in the past month that his daughter is his. He doesn't want a paternity test & he's not fighting anything in court.. Weird, right?

Anyway, we seem to be getting along ok, so far. A couple small spats, but no big deal..

He sees his daughter a couple times a week. He's been giving me gas money so he can see her.

We're 4 days away from court. Had to fire my lawyer for charging me $2125.21 to do paperwork, accomplish nothing, & then blame exbf for not cooperating. He charged me $750 to do paperwork that took me about an hr & I didn't know what I was doing & legal-speak makes my brain hurt.. Yet someone who's been a family law attorney for 16+ yrs takes 5 hrs to do the same paperwork. Dbag. Anyway, hoping court is painless & I can get on with my life. I'd like to stop relying/mooching off my friends now.

I have amazing friends.. Despite all the drama, I'm a lucky girl :)

Being Strong Sucks

My beautiful little girl is 6 months old. I'm almost 27. I'm a single mom. I never thought in a million years the father of my child would break my heart & abandon his daughter. He threw us out when she was six weeks old. Then he says "we left". Like somehow I was given a choice?

When she was about 8 weeks, I was struggling to care for her alone since he refused to help. A friend, also my ex, bought some diapers & my daughter's father decided that meant his daughter wasn't his & he wanted nothing to do with her & he wasn't about to help care for her.

We're in court limbo now because he's requesting a paternity test. He says it's my fault we have to go to court. He says this all could have been avoided if I had just kept things the way they were. By that he means we had a schedule worked out that he was spending time with his daughter while I was at work. Then he popped off one day & said he felt "more like a baby-sitter than her dad.", but he wants to keep things the way they were?

Now he doesn't want to go to court, says he'll buy everything she needs.. Tried that too.. As soon as he was mad at me he stopped helping with the things she needed. This man flip flops like you wouldn't believe. One minute our daughter is his & he loves & misses her. The next he's not so sure. Five minutes after that she isn't his she's my exes.

I happen to think this accusation is hysterical considering i was 4 months pregnant before I was around my ex alone. Or maybe the fact that this child looks JUST like her father & nothing like the ex he's claiming she belongs to. Contrary to what he believes, I'm not quite the slut he makes me out to be.

When asked why he refuses to help care for his daughter, his response usually goes something like this: "It's because your ex was around. I don't trust you.", "It's because your ex bought her diapers." "It's because your ex..blah blah blah.." I have never met ANYONE in my life that takes less responsibility for his actions than the father of my child.

He never lets go or drops anything, but he says I "hold grudges", He screams obscenities at me while I'm holding our daughter, but tells me I'm not allowed to raise my voice around our daughter, & he calls me vindictive, but called the cops the last time he saw his daughter because he didn't like the fact that my ex & I were talking on a regular basis. He called 911 & said I was trespassing. Only after he threatened to kidnap our daughter & allowed his mother's roommate (who is probably 5'9" & close to 300 lbs) get in my face & verbally accost me. I (5'1'' & 120lbs) apparently was not allowed to stand up for myself. I was "crazy" for defending myself.

I have tried my best to be civil with him, but he allows his controlling mother, her roommate, & his meddling father make his descisions for him. I asked him what he was going to do when his parents were gone & he had his daughter to answer to? He told me I was cold hearted for telling him his parents were going to die soon... not what I said, but... I told him the reality was our parents weren;t going to live forever, but he has a beautiful little girl that he's missing out on becuase he's allowing everyone else to decide his life for him. I told him he's almost 36.. the clock is ticking.. I'm almost 27 & I honestly don't see having anymore children & unless he knocks some other poor unsuspecting girl up, I don't forsee him having anymore children either.

I want him in her life, but not at the level of crazy that's going on in his family... I don't want her emotionally damaged. He doesn't think for himself & it makes me batty. Because when he's being him & he's not letting everyone else muck up his life. He's great.

Before we started having problems, again, he was a great dad. Then he stated taking it out on our little girl. He would be mad at me & he wouldn't look at her or talk to her or touch her. I've tried repeatidly since Jan to get him to spend time with his baby. He's all for it & then a few hours later, I'm assuming after his mother talks him out of it, he falls off the face of the earth or changes his mind.

I'm so beyond over the drama. I'm so sad for my little girl. She deserves better from her father. I'm leaving everything in the court's hands. I'm tired of trying to make peace with this man..

Long Time No Post..

Well, I am now a single mom to a beautiful, perfect, super smart, & very sweet little girl. My mom nicknamed her B-Mad since she was born 4 days early & was none too happy about it.

She's almost 5 months now about 15.5lbs & a little over 24 inches. Happy & healthy.

Someday, I'll explain what went down between her father & I but as of now he's claiming she isn't his & we have a court date pending.. (oh what fun!)

I'm a few weeks from being a groomer. Hopefully, in the next couple months I'll be out of my friend's house, & into my own place.