Monday, April 16, 2012

Being Strong Sucks

My beautiful little girl is 6 months old. I'm almost 27. I'm a single mom. I never thought in a million years the father of my child would break my heart & abandon his daughter. He threw us out when she was six weeks old. Then he says "we left". Like somehow I was given a choice?

When she was about 8 weeks, I was struggling to care for her alone since he refused to help. A friend, also my ex, bought some diapers & my daughter's father decided that meant his daughter wasn't his & he wanted nothing to do with her & he wasn't about to help care for her.

We're in court limbo now because he's requesting a paternity test. He says it's my fault we have to go to court. He says this all could have been avoided if I had just kept things the way they were. By that he means we had a schedule worked out that he was spending time with his daughter while I was at work. Then he popped off one day & said he felt "more like a baby-sitter than her dad.", but he wants to keep things the way they were?

Now he doesn't want to go to court, says he'll buy everything she needs.. Tried that too.. As soon as he was mad at me he stopped helping with the things she needed. This man flip flops like you wouldn't believe. One minute our daughter is his & he loves & misses her. The next he's not so sure. Five minutes after that she isn't his she's my exes.

I happen to think this accusation is hysterical considering i was 4 months pregnant before I was around my ex alone. Or maybe the fact that this child looks JUST like her father & nothing like the ex he's claiming she belongs to. Contrary to what he believes, I'm not quite the slut he makes me out to be.

When asked why he refuses to help care for his daughter, his response usually goes something like this: "It's because your ex was around. I don't trust you.", "It's because your ex bought her diapers." "It's because your ex..blah blah blah.." I have never met ANYONE in my life that takes less responsibility for his actions than the father of my child.

He never lets go or drops anything, but he says I "hold grudges", He screams obscenities at me while I'm holding our daughter, but tells me I'm not allowed to raise my voice around our daughter, & he calls me vindictive, but called the cops the last time he saw his daughter because he didn't like the fact that my ex & I were talking on a regular basis. He called 911 & said I was trespassing. Only after he threatened to kidnap our daughter & allowed his mother's roommate (who is probably 5'9" & close to 300 lbs) get in my face & verbally accost me. I (5'1'' & 120lbs) apparently was not allowed to stand up for myself. I was "crazy" for defending myself.

I have tried my best to be civil with him, but he allows his controlling mother, her roommate, & his meddling father make his descisions for him. I asked him what he was going to do when his parents were gone & he had his daughter to answer to? He told me I was cold hearted for telling him his parents were going to die soon... not what I said, but... I told him the reality was our parents weren;t going to live forever, but he has a beautiful little girl that he's missing out on becuase he's allowing everyone else to decide his life for him. I told him he's almost 36.. the clock is ticking.. I'm almost 27 & I honestly don't see having anymore children & unless he knocks some other poor unsuspecting girl up, I don't forsee him having anymore children either.

I want him in her life, but not at the level of crazy that's going on in his family... I don't want her emotionally damaged. He doesn't think for himself & it makes me batty. Because when he's being him & he's not letting everyone else muck up his life. He's great.

Before we started having problems, again, he was a great dad. Then he stated taking it out on our little girl. He would be mad at me & he wouldn't look at her or talk to her or touch her. I've tried repeatidly since Jan to get him to spend time with his baby. He's all for it & then a few hours later, I'm assuming after his mother talks him out of it, he falls off the face of the earth or changes his mind.

I'm so beyond over the drama. I'm so sad for my little girl. She deserves better from her father. I'm leaving everything in the court's hands. I'm tired of trying to make peace with this man..