Getting The Venom Out..

Venting... It's my way of exercising the poison. I've never been any good at hiding what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm an awful liar. I'm very much a "heart on my sleeve" kind of girl.

Sometimes, I feel broken..

I had someone tell me today any guy that leaves me is a "fool". Then why am I alone? How did I end up a single mom? If I'm so great, why does everyone leave?

I'm so used to being abandoned..

That's sad.

I have amazing friends & they do their best for BMad & me & I'm so grateful for them.

I have a beautiful, perfect, sweet little girl that I'd die for. I'm lucky to be her mommy.

I'm not happy with my living situation.. It's not my roommates. They're good. It's just a lack of my own space. I live in someone else's house. I have a room.. It's ok for now.

I'm unhappy with work. I feel like a hamster on a wheel.. all this work & no progress.. I'm broke & I'm tired.

I'm lonely.. I miss holding hands.. Kissing.. Cuddling. Intimacy..

I feel like I'm damaged goods now. That the only thing any guy is ever going to want me for is the occasional booty call..

I'm better than that.

I know that.

But I fight the demons from the exes. The ugly words. The screaming. The hitting. The cheating. The leaving. Constantly treading to keep my head above the water.

Why must every day be a fight?

I'm tired.

I don't want to fight anymore..

Glutton For Punishment

My ex (BMad's father) called me bawling yesterday. He's really ill & helpless & no one would come help him. So, I did. I brought him water & Gatorade. I spent like 4hrs cleaning his apt. As I emptied his trash in his bathroom, I came across condom wrappers.. I cried. Had a cigarette. finished the bathroom in tears.

I told him it hurt me..

He got upset at me for mentioning it..

...

:'(

I keep making someone a priority who has zero respect for my feelings.

Awesome.