I'm a mess

Maybe it's a little too personal to spill your guts on the internet for the world to read,, but oh well.. I see it this way if you don't like what i have to say, I'm boring, or you think I'm crazy there are a million bloggers out there to read I'm sure you'll find one you like even if it isn't me :)

So...

I'm 25, I work for minimum wage, & I always thought I'd be further along in my life by now than I am. If you had asked me 10 years ago. I would have told you married, a kid, & teaching Kindergarten somewhere living in some cute little planned community or something.

Instead it's been giving everything I have to some dumb boy I fall in love with from the ones that abandon me, the ones that lie, the cheaters, the users, the abusers, & the ones that could never make up their minds. I think I put more energy into what they wanted & what I thought they wanted from me, that I got lost in the mix somewhere.

I suppose here in the last few days it seems to be sinking in, I've wasted so much time.

I think my bi-polar is acting up again ;)~

I had a path I was supposed to go down, but I guess life doesn't care about your plans does it? I am now watching all my friends get married & have babies & it makes me a little sad & jealous. I want that someday. I just don't know if that person has come along, or if he'll ever come along. I've been with the same person for over 2 years.. Shouldn't I know by now? Should he? I keep thinking, "You're going to be 26, the clock is ticking.."

My last ex boyfriend got married about 6 months ago, they have a baby on the way... they're in their mid-30's.. so maybe there's still hope for me someday right?

I guess I'm just so scared of ending up like my mom too.. By the time you're in your 50's you resent everyone & you push your kids away & you're angry & it's everyone else's fault.

I really just wanted more for myself than what I settled for & I guess that's my own fault. I should've walked away & let those boys figure it out on their own instead of believing I could love away their problems..

In the end I'll make it :) I always do..